April 22 is Earth Day. I suppose I should have noticed based on the excessive use of the color green all around me. I’d guess Earth Day is second only the St. Patrick’s Day in “Holiday Featuring A Gratuitous Use of A Non-Primary Color.” Arbor Day ranks 3rd. Halloween is a tough competitor as well, but in the orange category.

There have been a number of Earth Day related search terms to make Google Hot Trends today. It is competing pretty respectably with searches about the Pennsylvania Democratic Primary today. The other search, which has dominated the list all day, is about Miley Cyrus’ bra, which in an amazing confluence of the universe, is…green. I love it when it all comes together.

I picked one particular search term out for today’s post, which I found odd: Earth Day Games. Apparently, Earth Day isn’t fun enough in of itself. Rather, people need games to really enjoy the day. This, of course, begs the question, what games possibly could these be? I tried to find a few and came across one site that has a couple. These are terrible. Any game with this icon you know is awful.

Sure, these games are targeted for kids, but as you may be able to tell from the free use of the f-word on this site, it’s not designed for kids (note: I haven’t used the f-word on this site yet, but it’s not because I haven’t wanted to, I’m trying to prove to myself that it’s possible). No, this site is targeted for adults. In particular, I feel a certain affinity to adults with a sarcastic, pessimistic attitude. I mean, who else is reading this drivel? So, since I couldn’t find any fun, adult-based Earth Day Games, I’ve created them for you. Enjoy these with friends and share them widely. Earth Day doesn’t need to be a day filled with picking up trash in a park you’d never consider going near with the ever present fear of a rusty spike punching through the cloth gloves you’ve generously been provided giving you hepatitis and slowly killing your liver . No, it can actually be fun.

1. Horseshoes: a great drinking game, as it requires little physical activity. The beer also counterbalances the weight of the horseshoe during your follow through. How is this Earth Day related? Silly reader. You’re reusing the horseshoes aren’t you? Tossing the horseshoe with a thousand pound animal tacked to it is far from practical.

2. A Massive Bonfire: These are always fun. Usually they involve lighter fluid, little common sense, questions like “do you think this will burn?” and smores. Isn’t starting a giant fire very environmentally unfriendly? Of course not! Burning wood is carbon neutral at least according to the Boston Globe. Take that tree-hugger! (Important safety tip: remove tree hugger before adding to fire). Whether or not it is actually carbon neutral to burn wood (it really isn’t), isn’t important. You’ll be able to fend off most Environmental Crazies with this justification anyway.

3. Car Smash: I’ve seen this game at, let’s see how can describe this delicately, “backwoods” festivals or fairs. The idea is to take a junker of a car and let people smash it with a sledgehammer. The people donate a dollar for the privilege. Granted, I have no idea what the point of this activity is, but it certainly is cathartic after sitting in traffic for an hour trying to get to said festival. If you don’t have a junker available, no problem, use your neighbor’s gas guzzling, small car occupant killer, massive SUV. Don’t pick an average size SUV, get something like a Hummer or Excursion…something that has gas mileage measured in gallons per mile and not the other way around. Why is this good for the environment? Well, first, you’re taking a “car” off the road that produces enough carbon emissions to make a smokestack envious. Second, you’re recycling it at the same time. Call your local scrap metal company and they’ll gladly haul away all the pieces that no longer resemble a motor vehicle. They may even give you some cash for it. Everyone’s a winner. Except your neighbor, of course.

4. Mole Hunt: Killing moles is good for the environment. Period. Sure, they are natural creatures that don’t pollute or produce Styrofoam products, but they are a problem. I have a little personal vendetta here, as they are destroying my lawn yet again this year, but that’s not the only rationale for putting this game on the list. By killing moles, you’re reducing the amount of toxic chemicals that I have to pour into their little holes in hopes that they will eat it. I can’t stop trying to poison them, so you can help by eliminating all the moles for me. Please use humane traps where possible. Actually, do whatever…they’re just moles.

5. Last, but not least, the “Carbon” Footprint Game. This one is my favorite and it plays off a great old-time prank at the same time. Once again, you’ll need a neighbor that you don’t like. May as well pick the one whose car you destroyed in the aforementioned Car Smash game, he’s already going to have you arrested. This time, find some “carbon” in the yard of your other neighbor. You know, the one with the Great Dane. Put the “carbon” in a paper bag, light on fire, put on your neighbor’s front doorstep, ring the bell, and stand back and watch. You know what’s going to happen. They’re going to make a pretty big “carbon” footprint. How is this good for the environment? Well, you’re reusing instead of creating new, which is good. I guess.

And that’s it. 5 Earth Day Games you can enjoy. Maybe next year someone will come up with a better list. Not likely, but possible.

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Posted on April 22nd, 2008 by Jonathan - Everyone But You
Filed under: The Environment